Posts Tagged ‘Skating With The Stars’

But not as bad as Bethenny Frankel.

I finally caught the episode of “Bethenny Ever After” where she starts her “Skating With The Stars” training.

First off, shame on her for assuming her male skating partner would be gay.
That would be like me assuming she would be a stupid bitch because she was a “Real Housewife.”
(Not all the housewives are stupid bitches, Nene is cool.)
Or that she’s really an orangatan.
(What is up with her jaw?)

So I got so excited in one of the preview clips cuz it totally looked like she was skating at my old rink in New York!!!
But she wasn’t.
It was some rink in New Jersey.
(Seriously, we need some new ice rink architecture.)

So she gets fitted for her skates and there is this 10-year-old boy and his dad in the pro shop who kinda start giving her shit.
She tries to give the kid shit back by asking if he has his triple axel¬†and his dad says “Oh no, he doesn’t have his triple axel.”
And the boy chimes in “I’m working on my double.” ūüėČ

Then she finally gets on the ice with Ethan, her pro, and I thought I said inappropriate things to my coaches! She totally went too far.
It was really bad when she told the guy he had a nice butt, but then¬†SHE ACTUALLY TOUCHED IT! That’s so wrong. (And as far as his butt goes, I’ve had better coaches.)
Then they start talking about falling and she blurts out that she Googled him and thinks if he didn’t fall he could have gone to the Olympics.
Um, no one Googles¬†better than me, but I would never tell any retired skater that if you hadn’t have failed in some competition big enough to be on television that you would have gone to the Olympics.
At least she admitted she has ice turrets.

Speaking of my amazing Google skills, I found 3-year-old video of Bethenny showing off some fancy Rollerblading moves:



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And I missed it.

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Ok so I watched the season premiere of “Bethenny Ever After.” (Well a rerun of it.) There was no mention of figure skating!#@! But I do have things to say about it.
1. Why is this a show?
2. Why don’t I have my own show? I’m married, I buy bras, I eat dinner. Come on Bravo make me an offer!
3. My husband actually watched it with me… because they were in Hazelton, PA, near where he grew up. No other reason.

I will watch it again next week incase she’s skating. I doubt my husband will watch too, unless she ends up in Palmerton.

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The Finale!!

Is that Bristol Palin?
No, it’s Johnny Weir.
But I think its the same cage she used on Dancing.
It’s some Alicia Keyes song, like living without you.
So, Laurieann choreographed that…I swear I should have that job! (I’d also should be a judge on Food Networks’ “Cupcake Wars.”)

So everyone is back to skate tonight, except Brandon. What the hell did that kid eat?

I think ABC read my blog, cuz it’s 15 minutes in and the British announcer has hardly said anything! (I want a consulting fee ABC!)

Oh I spoke too soon. What was that grunt?

So Jonny and Brooke skated that pretty The Stars The Moon program, but he dropped her. But he did his jump combination. Why is he not in the final two?

What was that countdown? The top 3 what? #3 was Sean falling. #2 was Brandon’s lsat performance and #1 was Jonny cutting Brooke’s finger. So top 3 things viewers actually want to see?

They’re reskating programs, they don’t even have new ones! Lame.

Bethany is doing “Right Round” cuz she said it’s the first program they learned together. Lame-o! The first one! The easiest one! But Dick says she’s figured out the point of the competition, that it’s not the Olympic Games “it’s about the fun and joy of skating that has transcended generations.”
Laurieann gave her a 10 for artistic impression and it went straight to Vernon’s head! (Vernon’s the annoying British announcer.)

Rebecca’s turn. Yay she’s doing “Hot n Cold.” There’s jumps in that one. And she added a Toe Loop to her Flip! If you can do the jumps why didn’t you do them all the other weeks?
Um Laurieann, she is not a “world-class skater.” But you are a world-class idiot!
She got all 10s for Technical and Artistic.

Omg! Hahahaha! The trophy is a big pair of bronzed ice skates. Omg Bethany wins!!

It’s Rebecca. Everyone knew it’d be Rebecca.

Favorite quote of the night: Bethany about Rebecca, “She’s si good she should be a real skater.”

How are they going to skate with all that paper on the ice? Who’s in charge of this show? They need to hire me if they want a second season. Anyone not obsessed with figure skating or Todd Bridges remember “Skating With Celebrities”? Exactly.

Remember awhile ago one of my Russian coaches, I think Nice Coach, told me coach is always right? Well he was right! A month ago Mean Coach said Skating With The Stars is disgusting and shouldn’t be watched. He was right. And I bet he’d say to hire me too ūüėČ

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This isn’t the finale ūüė¶
I’m so sick of watching this (mostly because of Vernon the announcer, his voice is super annoying. Couldn’t ABC afford someone with a good British accent? Fire Laurieann and use that cash.)

A group skate! Ok I’m interested again.

They skated to a bad version of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Only Jonny really displayed any solo skating skills because he threw and lifted Brooke. Bethany stumbled a few times. Yes, the girls need a lot of strength in those lifts, but they’re not skating during them! The judges said Rebecca did the best in the group skate, then Jonny then Bethany then those costumes and the Jonny’s 1985 hairdo. Seriously, my brother had that haircut when he graduated high school. (and he still does)

40 more minutes

Rebecca and Fred – Some bad sappy song in tacky pink outfits. She skated some alternating forward outside three turns on her own and they were really good, but give me a spin and a jump! The judges were way too impressed. Then Tanith shows the Waltz jumps she did with Fred holding her the entire time and says “she landed it on her own”. No she didn’t. I can’t believe she got 10s for that. Gag me.

30 more minutes

Bethany and Ethan – Why do her skates always look different in practice? “Just Haven’t Met You Yet.” Why can’t she do a Bunny Hop on her own? Come on, you said you thought you could win! I liked Ethan’s waltzy choreography, I think all of them should have added more ice dance steps instead of all those lifts.

20 more minutes

Jonny and Brooke – “Let’s Get It On” (Johnny Weir didn’t like the song for skating.) He did Ok. He didn’t drop her, but he didn’t do any jumps are spins either!

10 minutes left

Elimination time!
Jonny is going home!
I had him winning it.

Skating With The Stars Episode Six: Lots and lots of lifts and Rebecca wins.

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I love this show!
It’s just started – Tanith¬†looks awesome in blue btw – and they’re saying two of them (Brandon and Brooke) had to go to the hospital today!!!
Brandon isn’t even in the intro – yikes! (Keuana looks pissed.)

Tonight’s Required Elements:
Romance. (oh brother!)
And the stars have to do a jump!!!! YAY!!!!

Rebecca Buding¬†and Fred Palsa… – Holy cool warm-up footage! He had her hand and foot and was spinning her around then she grabbed his leg with her other hand and then they crashed and she sprained her wrist, but the variation on that lift could have been really cool.
Tanith¬†had a good quote: “An injury can either be your destruction or bring out the fighter in you.” Not quite Button-esque but OK.
“Hot n Cold” Her single jump was good! It was a Flip. (I don’t have my single Flip yet.) The lift she hurt herself on in practice wasn’t all that spectacular in the performance, I think she should have been totally upside down but instead she let her leg hang out. I didn’t like her taking off her sweater and draping it over Dick Button – trashy. And I didn’t get “tumultuous” love story out of that. How does this woman have an Emmy?
Laurieann gave her a 9 for technical. Too high.

They’re showing footage of Brandon either puking or spitting up blood on a gurney getting into an ambulance.
And of Jonny cutting Brooke’s hand with his blade. Cut to the bone. Gross! Oh and they’re showing the blood on the ice! This reminds me of an awesome story I just heard about Dick Button! He was skating at my rink like 10 years ago and he fell and there was blood everywhere and I was told the bloodstain was on the ice for weeks!¬†I think I skated over it today too.

Bethanny Frankel and Ethan Burgis
“I’ll get through you with a blade up you a**.” – Bethany talking about Laurieann’s comments last week. I like Bethany so much more now!
“Halo” Slow, lots of him lifting her. She did a Toe Loop ( but really a Toe Waltz) I think that’s the only time he wasn’t holding her.
Dick’s telling her to finish her movements. Good advice.
Laurieann¬†described it as “heavanly.” Is she dead or something? What was she watching?

Vince Neil and Jennifer Wester – “You’re Beautiful.” She’s just skating circles around him and he’s standing there being dragged around. Then he stopped and she had a little solo and then he did a Waltz jump – it was good – and then a lift and that’s it.
“You know the TSA is using that new x-ray machine? Well I’m the TSA of figure skating and I see the talent in you…It’s not far from heavy metal to gold medal.” – best Dick Button quote ever!

Jonny Mossley and Brooke Castile – He’s wearing a shiny aqua blue shirt with sequins and he doesn’t look gay. Now that’s hard to do.
Not sure what song this is. It goes ‘the stars the moon ohhh”
He did Flip jump with a two-foot landing and then a Toe Loop maybe, but again two-footed. I really thought he was going to try an Axel.
Best artistic interpretation¬†of the night – he’s smoking hot! I want to skate with Jonny Mossley!!!!
Good Dick Button advice – try to hold your back like a backward question mark, so that you arch your back and lead with your chest (not your boobs! your chest!)
An 8 from Laurieann, a 9 from Johnny and a 7 from Dick for Technical Merit. I agree with Johnny. All 9s for Artistic. Very good.

Brandon’s not competing. omg.
But they’re showing a taped rehearsal to judge.
Brandon Mychal¬†Smith and Keauna McLaughlin¬†– “Keep Holding On” It was really good. They were like skating as a real pair! I think his jump was the Waltz jump¬†but it was weird cuz he might have been holding her hand. I have to see it again. And I wonder if Keauna choreographed this number, it’s really nice.
OMG! Johnny and Dick gave him 5s! A-holes!

Tanith¬†is going to give a little performance with Ben and some random pro skaters and she said that most of the stars don’t know she’s a skater. Really? Hmmm.
They’re skating to “There’s A Place For Us” – Carrie Underwood, Narnia soundtrack.
Her and Ben did that cool over the neck lift that Crone and Poirier do.
But I think Jonny Mossley’s performance tonight was better.

Oh, they’re eliminating someone tonight.
I predict Bethany goes.
It’s Vince!
But Bethany was in the bottom two.

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I’m getting quite a few hits on my blog from people looking for the song the pros skated to the first night of “Skating With The Stars.”
It’s “Dynamite” by Taio Cruise.
And you can rewatch the episode here: http://abc.go.com/watch/skating-with-the-stars/SH5593426/VD5599409/week-1-part-1

I know this because I just rewatched the episode, just don’t tell Mean Coach! He already thinks I’m nuts for liking this show.
I quoted Sean Young in my lesson this week, her¬†“I have to fall down if I want to reach a higher level of achievement.” And Mean Coach sours his face and¬†says “I watch Skating With The Stars Monday. It’s disgusting!”¬†I just stood there and kwomed¬†and he looks disappointed and snarls “You like that show!?” I sheepishly admit yes and defend my choice with “It’s skating!” And he just shakes his head and tisks¬†tisks¬†while repeating my name. Although, that is my favorite thing about Mean Coach. He’s the only person who’s ever said my name in a way that didn’t irritate me. (Albeit just my first name.)

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