Posts Tagged ‘Reality’

I was watching a rerun of “America’s Next Top Model” today – the one with the figure skater, of course – and something one of the designers said has just been sitting in the pit of my stomach all evening.

He said one of the models – not the figure skater – wasn’t a model, she was just playing being a model.

It got me thinking about what I am vs. what I try to be.
Like I know I’m an editor but I try to be a writer.
And I know there’s some sort of dancer in me but I try to be a figure skater.
How long am I going to try for?
How long am I going to play figure skater?
Cuz that’s what I’m doing. I love figure skating but I will never be America’s Next Top Figure Skater. I’m not a natural figure skater and I’m almost to the point where I have to decide if I’m going to walk away from it or not. Like I love going to the rink, and hearing the music and seeing the people, but I also feel like I’m hiding behind it.


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“Stephanie, you need to have style when you skate. You can have style like figure skater or you can have style like hockey player. Just because you have on figure skates doesn’t mean you have style like figure skater.” Then he moved around like he was imitating King Kong, but he was imitating me.

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To Skate Or Not To Skate?

I’m thinking about quitting skating. Mostly bccause I suck at it and it’s not that much fun anymore.

Like, I’ve always sucked at skating but it never bothered me before. I’ve always said if I didn’t have to work for it it wouldn’t be worth it, and while that’s still true, sucking as much as I suck is kinda bumming me out. Like I want to take the Adult Bronze MITF test and there are a few moves that are killing me.

One is exiting my backward crossover pattern. Like just gliding backward on my right foot and then stepping forward on my left. It scares the eff out me! Like I’m happy that I’m now getting so much speed during my pattern but I can’t handle it.

Another is my right power three. Stepping into the 3-turn after the back crossover is such a challenge because I have no turnout on that side.

The worst move is the left inside mohawk. I’ve been struggling with this thing for years. Literally, for four years I worked on it with a coach and never got it. I even fell on it once. Finally, before I moved out here Coach J worked on it with me and I got it in one lesson! I totally remember that lesson and being astonished that I did it. I was so happy! But now I’m working on it with my Russian coach and it just keeps getting worse. Like I practice it but it gets worse instead of better.

In my last lesson my coach asked “Why do you stop before the left mohawk?” I don’t remember what I told him but I can think of a bunch of reasons right now as to why I stop: I’m scared. It doesn’t feel right. I’m a wus. I suck.

So I’m actually stressing about what he’s going to say this week when he sees it’s worse. And I’m stressing about what we’re going to do in my lesson since I suck at everything and don’t want to hear him tell me I suck. (He’s never said I suck, but last week he told me “I’m special.” And not in a good way.)

I like my coach, he’s a good coach, but maybe I’m not a good enough student for him. I think it might be the same way with my ice dance coach, but I’ve only had one lesson with him so I’ll give him more time.

I don’t know if it’s the people I’m skating with that’s causing me to not like skating anymore of if I’m just ready to do new things. Before I moved I couldn’t wait to get up and go skating. Here, I don’t want to get out of bed.

Is that because this rink has no natural light? Or because I know there’s no one I want to see there? Yeah, I think that’s part of it. I really miss the encouragement I had at my old rink. It’s like the difference between walking a tightrope with a net and without one.

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I had my 10th fall as an adult skater on Tuesday! (I know some of you fall 10 times a day. Good for you. Now shut up and let me finish my story.)

I learned to skate as a teenager and went through all the Learn-To-Skate classes before I graduated high school. I didn’t take lessons again until a few years after I graduated college. So since that time IN SEVEN YEARS I’ve fallen on the ice 10 TIMES.

Why is this such a big deal for me? Because Dick Button said “If you’re not falling your not getting better.”

He’s totally right. Not that you have to fall to get better, but that if you’re not pushing yourself you’re not gping to get better.

I’m built like a  Weeble Wobble and I’m a pussy so actually falling down is a big deal for me. It means that I’m pushing myself.

I always said that I’d stop counting at 10, but I think I want to really push myself and get to 15 before I move next month.

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I’m Not A Loser

But I feel like one.

So two weeks ago, after I passed five skating tests in one session (I’m still getting congratulated by people I don’t know) my coach was all excited and said I should test the next MITF level and dances. He looked over the Adult Bronze MITF and exclaimed “This is going to be easy!”

Then today he tells me I’m not testing. I’m not ready… for any of it. I feel a little loserish – he said it was easy and I can’t do it.

I knew I wasn’t going to be ready for the MITF test, but I was really excited to test the Swing and Cha Cha dances. Oh well, at least I won’t have to stress about what dress to wear. (Of course I wouldn’t wear the same dress I wore to the last test, I’m not a loser like Michelle Obama.)

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Just Say No To Skating!

If only I could.

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There are no mirrors in an ice rink. Sometimes you can catch your reflection in the plexiglass barrier, but it’s usually not until you videotape yourself that you have any idea what you look like skating.

For some, like me, that videotape holds a harsh reality: you stink! You find out that spiral that you thought exceeds Sasha Cohen’s doesn’t even get past your butt. And that Waltz jump that you thought you could easily turn into an axel doesn’t even have a jump in it.

But it’s OK. Skate because you like the feeling you get when you skate, not because you care what you look like doing it.

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