Posts Tagged ‘My skating coach is not an asshole’

I passed my Bronze Moves In The Field test!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I have some crazy stories!!!!!!

So I get to my regular rink this morning for a lesson with Mean Coach.
I have everything planned in my head what’s going to happen.
I get to the window, the usual girl is there, she punches my card – the 7th punch on the card!
We rejoice  – lucky #7 for my test day!!!!!!!
Then I enter the lobby and my world fell apart.
It was horrible.
I couldn’t believe it.
I was stricken with panic.
Mean Coach’s skates and bag and 50 million jackets that he wears were on the wrong table!!!
They are ALWAYS on the second table to the right.
I freaked for a few seconds and then tried to move them to the second table on the right. Where they should be.
But I couldn’t because:
     1. There’s was so much stuff – it was like he was moving in.
     2. I think he would kill me if I touched his stuff.
So with no other options I put my skates on.
Then Mean Coach comes in and I tell him the problem (yeah, it was a problem because it’s not how it always is) and he growls “And you are usually on ice by now!”
Oh he’s so mean!

Luckily I had something to counteract any bad luck.
My banana costume.


Last year I did a little program to “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA1gteZFmQY for my rinkmates and we all had a lot of fun with it. So I brought that with today. Can’t explain why.

So I told Mean Coach he had to wear it for my lesson.
And he flat out told me I’m crazy.
But I told him he had to!
So I go to the ice and warm up while he gets his skates on.
I see him come into the rink and he doesn’t have the banana suit on!
I rush over to the boards and block him from getting on the ice.
“No way are you going to jinx me!” and I put the suit on him.

Now, I have a pretty wild imagination, but NEVER in my WILDEST CRAZIEST dreams did I ever imagine I’d be putting a BANANA suit on my triple-world medalist mean Russian skating coach for my amusement. I mean that’s effin crazy!

But he let me do it.
And he wore it for like 15 minutes.
I was getting ready to push off for one of my moves and I look up at him, and he had put his big coat with the furry hood on open over the banana suit, and he’s just leaning with his head against the plexiglass looking totally defeated. And like a banana.
I <3-ed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best part (I know, how could it get better?) was the local elementary school had an in-service day and so instead of our usual private ice there were about 15 little kids who were in awe of the skating banana.

So now it was time to find out Mean Coach’s most embarrassing skating story.
“Hey, Mean Coach, what’s your most embarrassing skating moment?”
“Ah for me it would be Power 3s.”
“Omg! You had trouble with your Power 3s too?!”
“No. I never had problem with Power 3s.”
“So what are you talking about?”
Your Power 3s.”
Oh he’s horrible!!!

So my most memorable previous test memory was when Coach J ate the Snickers bar that he dropped on the dirty disgusting rink floor before I tested. (It is burned in my brain. Not that I’m a germ-a-phobe and wouldn’t do that myself, but not at a special occasion.) So when Mean Coach was getting ready to leave I told him he had to do one more thing.
Just eat a piece a candy.
I handed him a bag of candy and he takes a piece and is like OK.
As he’s about to eat it I say “WAIT! It has to fall on the floor first!”
He refused, shakes his head and says “People in Russia aren’t even this crazy!”

Ok, so now I had a few hours before my test.
I skated a little but was instructed by Mean Coach to not practice my test.
He said do it in the warm up right before the test and if I wanted to skate more now to just do other stuff or preferably rest.

So since Mean Coach and Nice Coach couldn’t be at my test (assholes), Nice Coach’s ice dance partner came with. I had a lesson with her once when Mean Coach was on vacation and she is an awesome coach! but I was surprised by her driving. She drives like I skate! Overly cautious and slow…

We had a nice chat in the car, she told me the best story about how she took her all her USFSA tests at a different rink because she had to test everything – even like pre-pre because she was trained in another country – and she didn’t want to feel silly in front of people she knew.
So I asked her where she tested.
Rhode effin’ Island!
(it’s almost a day’s drive from here)

So I’m waiting to skate, I get my pretty outfit on, I brush my hair, I get my skates on and Nice Lady Coach is chatting with some woman, I don’t pay much attention I figure it’s someone’s mom or something. Hold that thought, we’ll come back to this.

So a few years ago I fell on the ice into a Chinese split and pulled my right hamstring. Since that I haven’t been able to hook my over-the-boot tights on my right foot and always make my husband do it.
Well, last year my husband was late to my test and I was freaking out so I had to ask Coach J to do it. (i don’t know why i’m ok with asking people to but on banana suits and eat candy off the floor but i’m super shy about asking for help to hook my tights).
Well without me even having to ask Nice Lady Coach hooked my tights and then says “Where’s my candy?”
She’s the best!

So I go out for my warm up and it was cold in that skirt and I was super nervous!
She gave me some good pointers when I got off the ice, like take my time, finish the moves and enjoy it.
So I go out for test.
I skate to the judges.
I say hello and introduce myself.
They say hello back.
I comment that the coach with the big fur coat and hat on looks very warm.
They laugh.
Then two of them get up and leave.
The one with the fur coat stays.
Apparently I only need one judge for this test and it’s the one I just made fun of..

So I do my Alternating Forward and Backward Crossovers.
I think I did OK.

Now my Power 3s.
This is the one Mean Coach was most “concerned” about.
I didn’t hesitate on the intro and I connected the two sides so I felt pretty good.

Next were the Alternating Landing Positions.
I really focused on holding each one for the whole lobe and while I’m doing this I notice the judge isn’t watching!
She’s writing shit.
And I’m wondering if I should just stop cuz she won’t notice anyway.
But I continued.

I did the Forward Figure 8 and took out a huge chunk of ice on one of my pushes.

Then the 5-Step Mohawk Sequence.
So my problem used to be hesitating on the left-side mohawk.
I’ve learned to get through this by saying to myself, aloud, “Do it or he’s going to kill you.”
He being Mean Coach.
And I did it.

Or I thought I did it.

I skate to the judge and I don’t remember exactly what she said at first but I saw that two of the boxes on the judging form didn’t have scores in them.
Then she starts talking about my Power 3s and asks me to do a some for her.
So I was like “Ok, you want me to reskate those?”
“No, just do one or two for me right here.”
I have never heard of such a scenario before and immediately got pissed at Mean Coach for not preparing me for this.
So I did two, on my good side, and that satisfied her.
Then she wanted the same for the mohawks.
She said mine were to small.
So I took a deep breath and did the two biggest mohawks of my life.
She was happy with them, and told me I passed regardless but she just wanted to make sure I understood what I was supposed to do on those.
She told me it was a lovely test and that I even got marked higher on three of the elements!!!!
I told her thank you and wished her a lovely afternoon (cuz I’m classy like that) and skated off.

I was so relieved it was over!!!!!!

So I’m taking my skates off and Nice Lady Coach is with me and the judge in the fur coat walks by.
She asks if Nice Lady Coach is my pro and tells Nice Lady Coach that she did a wonderful job with me and that I’m a lovely skater and that she wishes me the best.
Do they say that to everyone who tests? (I don’t think so.)

So I get my copy of the judging form and here are her remarks:
Forward and Backward Perimeter Power Stroking
Mark: 2.6
Comments: Good flow + control

Forward Power Three-Turns
Mark: 2.4
Comments: Bend your knees + really push into these power 3s (She underlined “power” twice) don’t rush the transitions

Alternating Back Crossovers to Back Outside Edges (I call these Landing Positions)
Mark: 2.6
Comments: Nice extension + flow
Stay down in the knees for your crossover

Forward Circle 8
Mark: 2.6
Comments: Nice control + circles
No toe pushes at center to switch from the outside to the inside 8
(I guess she noticed the chunk of ice.)

Five-Step Mohawk Sequence
Mark: 2.5
Comments: Edge quality ok
Try to extend your free leg
Skate into the mohawks more

Result: 12.7 Pass
               Passing Average              Passing Total
Adult                2.5                                       12.5
Masters           2.3                                        11.5

omg deciphering her writing was tougher than the test!

On the ride home, Nice Lady Coach asks me if I know who that woman she was talking to was…It was Dick Button’s ex-wife!

Then, as if the day could get any better, when we get back to our rink the extremely hot Siberian hockey coach who I have a crazy rink crush on (it’s ok, my husband knows about it, it’s just a crush) was leaving the arena and he waved to us.
Ok, he just waved to Nice Lady Coach.
But I still got to see hm 🙂

So great day!
Great test!
Great coaches! (even if it did take three of them to take Coach J’s place)
And great story! (I hope!)

Oh, and since Mean Coach is away next week Nice Lady Coach is going to start teaching me the Silver MITF!


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I knew it! I just knew it!
And today proved it.

So I had my lesson with Mean Coach today and I cut the corner short on some backward crossovers and he starts yelling.
So he demonstrates what I did and says “You like train, you follow track. But you NOT train! You skater! You figure skater!”

I admit, I got a little verklempt, it’s totally awesome when a world-class figure skater calls you a figure skater.

So later, while I was walking my dog, I ran into some jerk shitface dumbass bastard I went to high school with I told myself I didn’t have to follow that track. I didn’t have to take that trip down memory lane. I could say eff that and go my own route of not giving an eff because I am skater. I am figure skater and I decide where I want to go.

(Normally, if I go down Memory Lane, I make the right at A&P. So besides some misery I also saved myself about $6 in Ben & Jerry’s.)

P.S. Mean Coach is finally teaching me Russian!!!!!!
Which will so come in handy when I make the Sochi Olympic team!!!!!
Or just go to Sochi to watch the Olympics!!!
Or just rent “Dr. Zhivago.” 
But “Dr. Zhivago without subtitles.

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It’s my new skating motto.
It’s also what Stalin told his troops when the Germans were advancing.
It means “Not One Step Back.”
I think it’s pronounced mizvechtsky.

Today my coach alluded that I don’t push myself in practice to perform like I do in my lessons. (‘Cause he’s a sneaky Russian and he watches practices from the gym window.) But he’s a little right. And from now on I won’t wait until my lesson to take one step forward.

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