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Posts Tagged ‘lessons’

So I have a BIG announcement!
I signed up for skating lessons today!!!
Eight of them to be exact.

Yeah, I signed up for group lessons at the rink in the ghetto.
It’s way cheap and I’ll be in the Intermediate/Advanced Adult Class.
ADVANCED!!!
Advanced as in Olympic level.
Also intermediate.

So I’m excited, the rink looks new and clean with plenty of parking. And this is the Skating School class structure:

Week 1 Evaluation & Introduction
Instructors will evaluate students and ensure you are in the correct class for your skill level. Instructors will introduce all the moves you will be learning in the several classes to come.

Week 3 & 5 Quiz
Your instructor will quiz you on a few maneuvers you’ve learned and let you know how you are doing.

Week 7/8 Progress Report
You will be tested on each maneuver you’ve learned and receive a progress report. Students who are ready to move onto the next level will receive a certificate.

QUIZZES!!!! AND REPORT CARDS!!!! AND CERTIFICATES!!!!! ALL MY FAVORITES THINGS!!!!!

And I’m super excited about being in group lessons again. I love group lessons (as long as I’m not the worst one in the group) and I’m excited to see who my instructor will be! Although I feel like I should somehow warn them.

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I test in one week and today I found out Mean Coach won’t be there. (asshole)
On one side I’m relieved because he literally scares the shit out of me.
On the other side I’m bummed because it would have been so cool to have him there when I pass. (yes, I’m going to pass!)
But this is something an adult figure skater deals with that I bet a kid skater never does.
A kid would always at least have a parent there – and the way some of these parents act they think they’re the coach anyway.

Also when we were working on my Power 3-Turns (which is he weakest part of my test) and I couldn’t get past the introductory steps – I was just blanking (also known as chickening out and being a wus) – I asked Mean Coach to tell me something encouraging so I could get over what ever was stopping me.
This is what he told me: “Stephanie, you know best way to not be nervous? A couple of shots before test.”
Yup, he told me I should drink before my test – LOL!
I know (hope!) no coach gives a kid that advice.
Although it might be good for some of the parents.

And kid skaters have a much easier time picking skating outfits than adults. 
They have a better selection and they don’t have boobs.
You ever find the perfect skating dress but can’t wear it because you have to wear a bra? Ugh!

Speaking of skating outfits and Mean Coach, today I asked the nice lady coach at my rink to help me pick which skirt I should wear for my test. 
Mean Coach overhears and chimes in with his opinion and I’m like “I don’t want your opinion, you dressed like a leprechaun in your last junior worlds.”
And he goes “What’s a leprechaun?”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kills me.

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I knew it! I just knew it!
And today proved it.

So I had my lesson with Mean Coach today and I cut the corner short on some backward crossovers and he starts yelling.
So he demonstrates what I did and says “You like train, you follow track. But you NOT train! You skater! You figure skater!”

I admit, I got a little verklempt, it’s totally awesome when a world-class figure skater calls you a figure skater.

So later, while I was walking my dog, I ran into some jerk shitface dumbass bastard I went to high school with I told myself I didn’t have to follow that track. I didn’t have to take that trip down memory lane. I could say eff that and go my own route of not giving an eff because I am skater. I am figure skater and I decide where I want to go.

(Normally, if I go down Memory Lane, I make the right at A&P. So besides some misery I also saved myself about $6 in Ben & Jerry’s.)

P.S. Mean Coach is finally teaching me Russian!!!!!!
Which will so come in handy when I make the Sochi Olympic team!!!!!
Or just go to Sochi to watch the Olympics!!!
Or just rent “Dr. Zhivago.” 
But “Dr. Zhivago without subtitles.

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This is what Mean Coach said to me today word for word:
“Stephanie, in your next life in five years you will be a great figure skater.”

So I thanked him for predicting my early demise and he clarified that in my next life I will start skating when I’m 5 years old and everything I’m learning now will carry over into my next life.

I’m not sure what that was supposed to do for me but now I’m worried I’m going to die in 5 years.

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I had my lesson with Mean Coach today. (I have two coaches, they’re both Russian and have the same name. I used to just call them Coach #1 and Coach #2, but that was kinda boring and they didn’t exactly dig it. Coach #1 is old, mean and loud. He teaches me MITF and freestyle. He’s now Mean Coach. Coach #2 is young, quiet and impossible. He teaches me ice dance and helps with the moves and freestyle. He really reminds me of Coach J. So he’s now Nice Coach, even though he isn’t all that nice. He’s kinda a sarcastic asshole – hence the likeness to Coach J!)

Anyway, lessons with Mean Coach usually don’t go so well because I suck and I usually get really nervous before them and, while it’s great for my colon health, it’s not very pleasant.

So today we ran through my Bronze moves and he said they were passable!!!! YAY!!!!

I asked “Would I pass?”
And he said “Yes, that would be passing, for me.”
“For me? What do you mean “for me”?
“For me, because I’m your coach and I’ve seen where you started from.”
Awww! That’s the first nice thing Mean Coach ever said to me!

At first when he said it in my mind I said to myself “You’re not my coach. Coach J is my coach, you’re just a fill in.” But then I thought “I haven’t lessoned with Coach J since December. He’s 3,000 miles away. Yeah, I bug him a lot with skating questions and skating updates, but I guess Mean Coach is now my coach. And Nice Coach too.”

Oh, and this post is titled “Pat Myself On The Back” because whenever I do something well in my lesson with Mean Coach I physically pat myself on my back. Coach J used to give high-fives and hugs and my figures coach, Colleen, she would do this adorable dorky little dance when I did somethig well, but Meanie and Nicey over here don’t do anything like that. The closest I’ve gotten is them saying “It’s better.” But hell, I’ll take it!

I even got a few “It’s better”s today on my flip jump attempts!!! I’m having a problem swinging my arms. Like I swing them way up like over my head instead of swinging them like you do in a scratch spin. But it’s getting better, and for that I pat myself on the back!

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I’ve just moved thousands of miles away from the best coaches I ever had to be with my family – whom I hate. (Yeah, it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made.) So I need an effin’ awesome new skating coach to help me get my life back on track! (Yeah, even though I suck at it, skating is my life.) If you think you can handle me, let’s see if you meet the following criteria …

 Coach must:

* Be a guy (hey, Peggy Flemming had the same preference)
* Teach Freestyle
* Teach MITF
* Teach Ice Dance (see ladies, it’s nothing against you)
* Know what “effin'” means
* Reward me with high-fives
* Hook my tights on my right foot before a competition or test
* Not be afraid to slam me into a wall if I need to be slammed into a wall
* Want me to achieve my goals as much as I do
* Be on time (Only my current coach is allowed to be tardy for the party – yeah, my lesson is an effin’ party, if it’s not then you’re not doing it right.)

I’m also looking for a figures coach. FIGURES ARE MY FAVORITE!!!! (after pairs skating) Un-permed females may apply for this position.

 If you meet the above qualifications and teach in the Hudson Valley please contact my secretary Jerome for a formal application at jeromemcelroy@rocketmail.com.

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Today was my last day at the rink I’ve skated at for 5 years 😦  
But it was a surprisingly uplifting day:

I got to skate with a hockey stick – always wanted to do that.
I got to play all my music – I should be a DJ.
My coach was 24 minutes late – him being late is a “tradition” but he took it a little to far. (I think I’ve mentioned before that he’s an asshole.)
A lot of my friends showed up to skate with me! – I’m going to miss them so much!!!
I got to co-coach my favorite little skater’s lesson – and learned that being a coach is tougher than I thought it was.
Finished choreographing my “No Air” pairs program – maybe I’ll post the video one day.
Crashed into another skater – No. 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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