He’s Going To Break Me!

I’ve been away from my old rink for almost two months now and I thought it was damn well time I found a new coach.

For some reason it’s been difficult to find a new coach. Ok for a lot of reasons (coaches don’t advertise, coaches don’t respond to advertisements, phone calls, e-mails etc …, no one can measure up to my old coach, you know stuff like that). But before I got to the rink yesterday I swore I was going to get a coach that day. And I did!!!!

I was all set to drastically compromise on the kind of coach I like to work with just for the sake of having someone to work with, but then I saw a coach I had never seen before. He doesn’t meet all my requirements (I didn’t even ask if he knew what effin’ means) but I think I can work with him.

These were my criteria:
* Be a guy – HE IS!
* Teach Freestyle – HE DOES!
* Teach MITF – YUP!
* Teach Ice Dance – NYET
* Know what “effin’” means – I DON’T THINK SO
* Reward me with high-fives – I DON’T SEE THIS HAPPENING, BESIDES, I DON’T THINK I’LL DO ANYTHING TO HIS STANDARD
* Hook my tights on my right foot before a competition or test – I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT
* Not be afraid to slam me into a wall if I need to be slammed into a wall – I EXPECT TO BREAK A FEW RIBS
* Want me to achieve my goals as much as I do – WE’LL SEE … IF HE DOESN’T CARE THEN HE’S OUT
* Be on time – HE’S RUSSIAN, I THINK HE’LL BE ON TIME

Yeah, he’s Russian. Coach J predicted I would get a mean Russian coach and they would do wonders for my skating so I’m going with that. I’ll have to find a separate ice dance coach, but I know this guy knows figures – since he competed them at the senior international level!!! Yeah, he stood on the podium with Todd Eldredge, Rudy Galindo, Vladimir Petrenko (Viktor’s younger brother) and some other Olympians. He also won his country’s senior nationals. I know!

He said he teaches all levels, but I somehow feel like I’m not a good enough skater to be taught by him. Hopefully, he’ll help me turn myself into a skater who is good enough.

Coach Stephanie?

Maybe!

I was at the rink this morning just putzing around (the ice was crap and the music player wasn’t working so I wasn’t focused) and this lady came up to me and asked for my card. Um, what? She wanted my card because she wanted to arrange lessons for her kid. She thought I was a coach!!!!!!!

I was so flattered and I hated that I had to tell her that I’m not a coach. So I told Coach J about the lady just because I thought it was neat and I thought he would bring me back down to plant Earth and tell me that I’m not ready to be coaching, but he didn’t! He encouraged me to ask the rink if I could give lessons or help with Learn-To-Skate. And I think I will.  I just hope none of my students ever think I’m an asshole.

Seriously, SHUT UP!

I’m watching Silk’s Skate for the Heart on NBC and besides the usual annoyance of them showing the live band more than the skater, there is some (or more than one) annoying fan shrieking at everything every skater does.

I can’t skate when people are hysterically shrieking. Once there was a school group at the rink and this girl was shrieking uncontrollably and I went up to her all concerned and asked “Are you hurt?” “no” “THEN STOP EFFIN’ SCREAMING OR I’M GONNA KICK YOU OUT!” (yeah, I told annoying people I had the authority to kick them out even though I didn’t.)

Bowl Me Over Jeremy Abbott!

I watched the U.S. Exhibition yesterday and WOW!

First off, Jeremy Abbott is my new favorite skater. His short program is the best men’s short program ever. And his exhibition number to Micheal Buble’s version of “At This Moment” was magic. I loved it! Even when his shirt became untucked, it was just so raw. (I wonder if that was on purpose?)

Rachael Flatt. I loved her exhibition to “Fame.” And her dress was fierce! And she wasn’t constantly pulling her face

Meryl Davis and Charlie White – I heart them. Their Bollywood OD is so cool! And their exhibition to (I think to David Cook’s) “Billie Jean” was so hot!

So those were my favorites. Now let’s talk about Johnny Weir.

Johnny Weir is awesome. That “Poker Face” make-up wasn’t. If you’re going to draw on your face make it look like someone older than 11 did it.

And 10-year-old Novice Men’s Champ Nathan Chen is adorable! I’ll be rooting for him in 2018.

Who Will Represent?

My take on the 2010 U.S. Nationals Ladies Freeskate:

Caroline Zhang - Trouble with some jumps – but all her other elements were gorgeous. She kinda did the Pearl as her ending spin but I could tell she doesn’t get as far down as she used to. And her dress was breathtaking.

Bebe Liang – Is on tonight!!!! She looks joyful – I love it!  I don’t care if she popped the second Lutz, I love watching her skate!

Alissa Czisny – Awesome dress! “Doctor Zhivago” again? What is holding this girl back? I see so much caution in her face. Let go Alissa! Get over yourself! Enjoy it. You’re not enjoying it and your falling so just enjoy the damn thing – falling and all.

Emily Hughes – Looks much better tonight – great dress. I think Sarah Hughes’ limp applause said it all.

Alexe Gilles - Much better tonight. More showmanship. This is the Alexe Gilles I remember.

Amanda Dobbs – So looking forward to seeing more of her. Loved her short and not quite loving her long, but not hating it. It’s the music. I’ve heard this Spanish-theme song before and she’s not doing anything different with it.

Christina Gao – Let’s send her to Vancouver! I think she’s awesome.

Ashley Wagner - Um, that’s a lot of look. But it’s working for me. She is totally attacking this program. Landed every jump. Program is awesome. Such a fighter. I hated her a couple of years ago when she had that side ponytail, but now I’m a fan.

Sasha Cohen - Hate all the keyholes on the dress. Oh shit, lots of two-footed landings and we’re only like a minute in. A fall. She should just Surya Bonaly it and jut throw a backflip.

Rachael Flatt - She is so effin’ consistent. She did awesome. Triple-triple. But it wasn’t a performance I’d want to watch again. Like I’m not going to YouTube it later. Everything she did was perfect, don’t get me wrong, it just wasn’t memorable. Maybe it was the music, maybe the skater, idk.

Mirai Nagasu - I’m holding my breath. Flatt is in first and Ashley in second. Lots of double axels. Another pretty prefect performance. Wow!

So Rachael and Mirai are going to the Olympics!!! Congrats to them – they are awesome!

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!

What I thought about the ladies short programs at the 2010 U.S.  Nationals:

Tatyana Khazova - Hate the long lace ribbon in her hair! Nice Beilmanns but slow. Music blah. Wear over the boot tights if you wear the hinge boot. Good twizzles.

Rebecca Stern – Pretty dress. Love a flying sit spin. Too bad she fell on two jumps and her leap. Good ending spin. I don’t care if this is your first nationals, you’re 17 and you’re nervous – POINT YOUR TOES!

Rachael Flatt – Triple-triple!!! Love her layback! Great, just have a hard time believing that that swing song is her personality, though she really sold it at the end.

Alissa Czisny – Well, I wouldn’t have sent her to Vancouver, I remember last year’s Worlds, but I feel bad that she fell on her combo and triple. Everything else she did was gorgeous! Did you see that axel – wow! So fluid and with height and pointed toes! And I liked the choreography, it wasn’t crazy good, but it had some nice moments like the end pose.

Samantha Cesario – What a smooth fall! Good for 16.  Elegant. Poised. Skating to an orchestra version of Bohemian Rhapsody – I like it. Good attack overall. Just hate the ice blue dress on her – she needs a darker color.

Christina Gao – Wow! What straight legs in her jumps – and pointed toes! Triple-triple no less! Mature instrumental music but handling it well for 15.

Mirai Nagasu - Looks beautiful! Soooo fast!!!! Hit everything!!!! First program tonight to capture my interest and make me smile. She’s back!!!

Chelsea Morrow – Pretty arms. Classic skating style. Wish she had better music, like with some umph to it.

Alexe Gilles – Ugly layback (it was), but nice Beilmann. The program just never took off for me.

Ellie Kawamura - Rainbow something … Somewhere over the rainbow. Good song, garish costume. Fell on two jumps and had some bobbles, but ending spin was awesome, Beilmann and pulled skate to her face, for a few seconds there she had my heart.

Caroline Zhang – Intensity right off the bat. Gorgeous costume! Oh no! A fall   And I don’t think she did the Pearl.

Amanda Dobbs – She’s so pretty. Gorgeous triple salchow. Layback needs work. I really liked her.

Laney Diggs – Nice layback and combo spin. Too bad about the fall. Really pretty dress.

Melissa Bulanhagui - Love her – don’t like the dress – looks cheap. “Chairman’s Waltz” – awesome music but Miki Ando did it better last year. Bad layback. Awesome footwork - different and sharp. Ok, but not as great as I expected. (Watch her exhibition program to Britney’s “Circus” on YouTube. It’s awesome!)

Sasha Cohen – Love the opening pose. Loved everything about it!!! The costume, the intensity, the fight for the landing on the combo, the artistry! Coach J said when he trained with her she took the ice, it was hers and tonight it was no different. Yet, she’s second to Mirai Nagasu … hmmm, I agree with the judges.

Christina-Maria Sperduto – Skated to “Time To Say Goodbye.” Like the serpentine footwork, but could be faster. Everything just needed more.

Beatrisa Liang - I’ve been watching her at Nationals for years. Please, please, please! put it together!!! Except for fall on 3 Flip it was really good. Poor Bebe.

Emily Hughes – I adore Emily!!! I have such faith that she’s going to hit her program, but her hair and dress aren’t my favorite of hers. She doubled the Lutz. Music was boring.

Becky Bereswill – First jump was wild, but very pretty otherwise.

Blake Rosenthal – I appreciate the lively music! Thank you!

Kayla Howey – Pretty.

Kristiene Gong – Soft and strong.

Ashley Wagner – Darn – fall on 3 Lutz.

P.S. – Very cool of Universal Sports to show every competitor.

I’m Gonna Get My Axel Before I Get A New Coach

Why is it so difficult to find a figure skating coach? Why?! Don’t you people want my money?

After not getting any responses to my awesome ad for a coach, and not being able to find any telling info on local coaches either online or from people I know, I’m about ready to give up on finding a coach here. (Yeah, I’m the kind of person who would fly back to my old coaches every other week for lessons. I just really hate airports.)

But on Wednesday I was at the upscale rink in my area and watched like 8 coaches teach Learn To Skate. Two coaches caught my eye in a positive way (and one totally disgusted me with her bedazzled baseball cap). I was able to find out one of the good coaches’ names and do some research. I did not like what I found out – so he’s out.

The other coach was at the rink today and gave a freestyle lesson to an adult male skater. I found out his name and thought I had read somewhere that he was the ice dance coach. So I approached him and asked if he was indeed the ice dance coach. Nope.

I was totally disappointed because I had that instant feeling like “I could stand to listen to this guy tell me I’m doing something wrong and it wouldn’t bother me.” You don’t find that too often.

So stupid me didn’t even bother to ask what the guy did coach, but hopefully I’ll see him again. And he was nice enough to let me know who the ice dance coach is, so maybe I’ve found two coaches …

BUT – IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD!

Seriously, why don’t skating coaches advertise? I want an online database where you put in your Zip Code, how far you’d be willing to travel from that Zip Code for lessons, what disciplines you’re interested in, price, etc … and it spits out available coaches complete with a resume and a video of them skating and coaching.

I know it’s a great idea. If I had any idea how to make a database I’d get right on that!

I’m Lucky I Didn’t Go Blind!

I tried out a new rink yesterday. It was nice – and I saw Angela Maxwell practicing! – but either the staff has never seen “Ice Castles” or they are one sick bunch.

Brrrr!

My new rink is too cold!!!

I wore yoga pants - the same pants I wore every day at my old rink - to skate today and thought I was in the Artic.

I’m going to try out a new rink tomorrow. It’s a bit of a drive but they have an adult skate … and I heard cutie Timothy Goebel teaches there.  How awesome would it be to see him there?!?! How awesome would it be if he became my coach!?!? Answer: It would be totally awesome!

WANTED: Effin’ Awesome Coach

I’ve just moved thousands of miles away from the best coaches I ever had to be with my family – whom I hate. (Yeah, it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made.) So I need an effin’ awesome new skating coach to help me get my life back on track! (Yeah, even though I suck at it, skating is my life.) If you think you can handle me, let’s see if you meet the following criteria …

 Coach must:

* Be a guy (hey, Peggy Flemming had the same preference)
* Teach Freestyle
* Teach MITF
* Teach Ice Dance (see ladies, it’s nothing against you)
* Know what “effin’” means
* Reward me with high-fives
* Hook my tights on my right foot before a competition or test
* Not be afraid to slam me into a wall if I need to be slammed into a wall
* Want me to achieve my goals as much as I do
* Be on time (Only my current coach is allowed to be tardy for the party – yeah, my lesson is an effin’ party, if it’s not then you’re not doing it right.)

I’m also looking for a figures coach. FIGURES ARE MY FAVORITE!!!! (after pairs skating) Un-permed females may apply for this position.

 If you meet the above qualifications and teach in the Hudson Valley please contact my secretary Jerome for a formal application at jeromemcelroy@rocketmail.com.